The Crank: licensing part 1

I’ve been meaning to write about the agonizing process of getting a Japanese driver’s license, but the aftermath of my tests is usually so disturbing and peppered with (my polite version of) expletives that I just didn’t want to subject you: family, random reader, husband, to me verbally peeing all over Japanese bureaucracy.

As of today, eight days before I fly across the pacific to visit that humid-less paradise, Montana, I have failed the test five times. My idea was that I could write this after I’d passed and the end would be a surprise! isn’t it great! life isn’t so bad after all! kind of ending. But I’m warning you now…that’s not going to happen. What IS going to happen is that your blood will start to boil in anger for me and you’ll type out missives that sound like Dagnabit! and Gaaaaaaaahhh! and then you’ll begin to appreciate the excruciating stomach oil tension that is my life these days.

The husband and I knew going into the test that it wouldn’t be any walk in the park. It’s more like trying to climb Mount Everest as a day trip. Our friends, fellow test-takers, posted lists of “35 simple steps to pass the licensing test” or told us horror stories about taking it 9,10, 11 times. Emily, the girl we bought our car from, told us they passed her the fourth time because she went during a typhoon. Well, Kurume’s typhoon #5 is coming down the mountain tonight, and even though I drove in rain and wind and a pre-typhoon atmosphere I did not pass. In fact, the instructor gave us a “demonstration”, drove the car around the corner, and then didn’t return. No final word, no final stamp on our point sheets, just me sitting on a bench in the rain, waiting for good news.

The first time we took the test it was hot and sunny and we walked the course. It’s not difficult in and of itself, but there’s some complicated mirror-checking patterns that have to go on, and of course the right and left sides are switched. By the time we finished we were sweating and climbed hastily into the car. We made all kinds of mistakes, but the only knowledge we were able to pry out of the instructor’s arsenal was that we should make our turns a little smoother.

The second time we took it is when I began to dissolve like a sugar cube left out in a typhoon. Or like antacids in water. (You should be able to tell my similes are coming from the teased-up part of my brain that can’t dial down the tension.) I made a left turn at a yield sign at 13 km/hr instead of 10. We didn’t move to the left side of the lane 30 m before a turn. I cried silently, tears slipping out from beneath my glasses, while the husband got the details. We’re serious test-takers, not the slackers we see around these days. We’re the top of the class, the high standardized test scorers. If I guess on a multiple-choice test I’m almost always uncannily right. For instance, the written portion of the Japanese test is in English and so easy a crazy person could pass.

Question: If you’ve had a few sleeping pills and some alcohol, but you feel okay to drive, it is okay for you to drive. True or False?

The third time I changed lanes too early, I went through the other yield sign at 12 km/hr, I didn’t make beautiful turns. There’s a slick roller coaster turn called THE CRANK which makes me think of The Trunchbull from Matilda but it’s actually just a square “s” on a platform raised a few inches off the ground. The testing vehicle is a honking converted taxi almost the same width as this platform, and so the turn is a tight one. If one wheel slips off the platform it’s an automatic fail. If the car doesn’t make the turn sharp enough and the snout brushes a set of rubber poles dug around the platform like a jail cell, it’s an automatic fail. I tell you about THE CRANK because it is my nemesis. It is my reason for getting up in the morning. It’s a difficult turn to make for a person who’s not five feet tall and can’t see the way the snout is turning. In short, it’s prejudiced against short people. No pun intended.

The third time I was flawless. I didn’t have to backup on THE CRANK, I was smooth, my wheels stayed on target. Yet even these amazing CRANK skills were lost on the instructor. This time, as soon as I finished and he pulled out his map to show me where I’d gone wrong I burst into tears. Right there in the driver’s seat, the engine still running, cold air blowing back my bangs. He went through my list of grievances…the quick lane change, the unbeautiful turns, and I blew my nose into my hand. I hiccuped. I apologized through my sniveling. In fact, I confess to you that I wailed. Really loudly. Really? I kept saying between breaths. These are your reasons, really?

The husband, who passed for reasons we still don’t understand, was kneeling at the instructor’s window, trying to smooth things over. “He can be your teacher,” the instructor said, pointing at the husband. When we got outside I pulled on my sunglasses and asked the husband what he’d done to pass. “I really couldn’t say,” he said.

Question: If you come to a red light, but it’s late at night and no one is around you can drive through without stopping. True or False?

The fourth time I went I was alone, witless, and made to sit for over an hour while they shuffled paperwork around behind a glass wall. 2 minutes into the test I hit a rubber pole on THE CRANK. And then it was over.

Question: if there is a policeman in the intersection and he is holding up his hand for you to stop, but there is a green light, it is okay for you to go. True or False?

I wish I had some clear picture for the fifth time I took it. There were no egregious errors, except that once I put my left blinker on instead of my right. It was speculated that I might have failed to look right before a left-hand turn, that I needed to speed up on the straightaway, even if I was just speeding up for a red light. Once, a car came through the fog way off in the distance. It was so small I’d have needed a pair of binoculars to see it, but the instructor slammed on his brake. “We stop!” he said. I waited the 2 hours for the car to come up and pass me and then did my u-turn. I put a blinker on once when I didn’t need to, which to me shows caution, but which to the instructor flashed a red warning light over my head like a light bulb.

Question: the Japanese driving test is about practical driving ability. True or False?

Next: other foreigners who haven’t passed and why we don’t like each other. Also: Einstein, my ally.